


my heart is layers of scar

by neiljostenminyard



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sickfic, Yep yep, mentions of baltimore but nothing graphic, theyre in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:00:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23098969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neiljostenminyard/pseuds/neiljostenminyard
Summary: Baltimore happened 2 months ago. Neil watched Riko get a bullet in his head 2 weeks ago. Neil survived. Neil is alive. He doesn't need to run ever again. So why doesn't it feel like it?Or: Andrew really, really loves Neil.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 24
Kudos: 333





	my heart is layers of scar

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first for fic for this on here i hope you'll like it!! Have fun
> 
> Title from [this:](http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=1073) "I have loved since you. But when the new paint gets scratched, there you are underneath. (My heart is layers of scar.)"
> 
> Also sorry if there are any mistakes English is Not my first language <33

Neil Josten was stuck. 

He looked at the sky. Rain hit his face. Neil thought bitterly that there are a few options as to where he’s stuck- here, in the middle of nowhere. In his college. To his friends. To Andrew. To this life. To this name. In his mind. A familiar feeling of guilt made him frown and he looked back down at his shaking legs. 

He ran. And when he stopped running, he realized this is useless. He can’t run from Neil Josten anymore. He felt weak. But if he passed out now, someone will call the hospital and people there will call Andrew because Andrew is his emergency contact now. If he keeps running, if he gets a new passport, he’ll still be stuck with them because. Because this is not like when he ran with his mom. She made sure to put him in schools and places for a specific amount of time- not long enough to get attached to anyone but not short enough to raise any suspicion. This is bad, because he will raise suspicion- _exy star disappeared_ \- and he got attached. 

Another option, he could go back. 

It always came down to this. Since he saw Riko get a bullet in the head 2 weeks ago, since Baltimore around 2 months ago, his life has been moving in such a fast pace that he almost can’t keep up with it. When Andrew came to him a few days ago and said, _"put me as your emergency contact and I’ll put you as mine"_ and Neil heard the meaning behind those words, clear as a summer sky: _You’re important to me_. Neil stared at him and thought _when did this happen and how_ but he said yes. Because of course he said yes. Because he wants to be Andrew’s emergency contact as well. So it all came down to this. To running or not running. His life was a series of decisions that their only purpose was to _survive survive survive_. But now, he found out he can run for fun and he can actually go out and buy a cake in the supermarket if he wants because it doesn’t _really_ matter what he’ll eat. He can spend his time reading or letting Nicky teach him how to play video games because nothing is targeting him anymore. There is no countdown to his death. 

It’s funny, Neil thought as he looked at his wet shoes, how up until now he was living in the prologue. And that thought scares him. Because he can’t run. There’s an entire story ahead of him.

A car honked. Again. And again. Cars drove by him fast, most of them splashing water on him as a result. He found himself thinking one of them is going to stop and put him inside and tie him and cut him and burn him all over again. _Fool me once- shame on you. Fool me twice- shame on me._

So instead of making a choice, he decided to stall. He sat down under a roof of something that looked like an abandoned bus station. He didn’t know where he was. Didn’t know how far away. An old lady that sat next to him, probably seeking shelter from the rain, looked at him pitifully. He could feel her staring at her scars. They itched. 

And he doesn’t know how long he sat there, not really, time works funny when the only thing you do is sit and sit for minutes? Hours? While staring at cars passing in front of you. Neil thought, _I never sat down without moving for this long in my life_ and _I’ll probably get sick_ and _I’m cold. I’m cold. I’m cold._ And _I regret not taking my phone._

__In the back of his mind, he could hear Andrew chuckling._ _

He got up. Looked to his right and left and started walking. This is simple- he remembers he came from the right of this station. He remembers he crossed the road there, in a few meters. But that’s how far his memory of this run goes. He crossed the road and leaned on a tree. He thought, _here, you see? I’m on my way back, I don’t have to run. It’s okay._ But he felt panic in his stomach. He doesn’t know where to go next. 

__Panic was what made him run in the first place. He doesn’t know why. He can’t remember. Maybe his scars stood out a little or someone said something that threw him back. Maybe he was just tired of feeling like he’s pretending to be a person. Probably all of these._ _

__It’s cold. The rain got stronger, and Neil shook even harder. But. He heard a familiar sound. The sound Andrew put as a ringtone on his phone, and when he turned around he saw it._ _

__He took his phone before he left. He had dropped it before he crossed this road, but he _took_ it. It’s important, that action has a meaning, but his head hurts and he’s so overwhelmed that he decided to keep that thought for later. Instead, he picked it up. It had 20% and- Andrew’s name flashed on the screen. _ _

__Neil almost cried. The rain cried for him, instead._ _

He answered so fast it was almost worrying. He fell on his knees next to the tree. There was mud on his clothes now. He thought, _Andrew bought these for me._

__

__

“ _Neil._ ” A voice said from the other side. The rain cried harder. Neil breathed in so deep like he never breathed until then. 

__He clutched his phone, hard. “Andrew,” He answered. “Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.” He could hear how much feeling his voice had when he said Andrew’s name. But he couldn’t bother to hide it. He didn’t want to. Instead, he said it again. “Andrew.”_ _

__Andrew breathed deep as well. “Where are you?” Calm, collected, almost apathetic. But Andrew knows that being angry at Neil wouldn’t help. If anything, it can make him panic even more._ _

__“I don’t know. Andrew. I don’t know. I- I just ran. God. The clothes you bought me are dirty now. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I-“_ _

__Andrew cut him off. “Don’t. Just breathe.” Neil did. “Look around you. Are there any signs? Something familiar?”  
__

__  
_ _

__Neil looked around. There were no signs next to the abandoned bus station, and nothing else that he could use to identify where he is. “Shit. Shit.”_ _

__“Calm down. Your new phone, the maps app. You remember?”_ _

__Neil nodded, even though Andrew cant see him. Andrew kept talking as if he did. “Check where you are. It should say the road number. Maybe there are buildings close to you and you can send me their address.” In the background, cars drove fast, it was still raining, but all Neil could hear was Andrew’s voice. “Answer me.”_ _

__“Yes. Yeah,” Neil said. He opened the app and saw that there’s an office building not too far from where he is. “I’m sending you an address. It’s- You’ll see me on the side of the road on your way there”_ _

__“Okay. I’m coming,” Andrew answered. He couldn’t hide the relief in his voice._ _

__“I’m sorry.” Neil said. He got up and leaned on the tree again._ _

__“I know.”_ _

__“I didn’t want to scare you again. I panicked- I-“_ _

__“Neil,” Andrew said, “I _know._ ” Not impatient, never impatient. The opposite. Neil ran and Andrew looked for him. Neil panicked and Andrew calmed him down. Neil isn’t a real person, but Andrew helps him become one. _ _

__Andrew probably broke a generous amount of laws on his way here, because he arrived in no longer than 10 minutes, all while breathing hard into the phone to ground Neil. When Neil saw Andrew’s car, he thought, This is really it. It should’ve been clear earlier, when Andrew choked Kevin or when Andrew showered him or when Andrew broke Riko's hand or when he said _let me be your emergency contact _but none of that sinked in until this.___ _

____Neil josten can’t run. He’s stuck._ _ _ _

____Andrew saw Neil, and Neil looked at Andrew, who stopped at the side of the road so fast that Neil prayed he remembered to wear his seatbelt. Andrew looked at him from inside the car, but Neil felt stiff. He couldn’t move. His legs hurt, his head hurt, his lungs hurt._ _ _ _

____The last thing he saw before he blacked out was Andrew walking out of the car._ _ _ _

____\------------_ _ _ _

____Neil was trapped._ _ _ _

____He woke up and the first thing he noticed was the amount of blankets that was on him. He couldn’t move. If this was under different circumstances, he’d panic, but he couldn’t. Because his head felt like it’s going to explode and it’s really cold and he can see Andrew standing in the corner of the room._ _ _ _

____As if Andrew felt Neil’s stare, he turned around sharply. Neil didn’t want to get up, but he had to get up, because Andrew was there and he needed to apologize again for getting the new clothes dirty. For panicking. For running. For worrying him. Andrew immediately put his phone down on the table next to him and walked to Neil._ _ _ _

____“Don’t,” Andrew said, and put a hand above Neil’s chest. Just hovering, not touching. “You’re sick.”_ _ _ _

____Neil blinked a few times. Andrew was nice to stare at, mainly because of how pretty he was, but in that moment he looked really tired. Is it because of him? It probably is. No, it definitely is. He needs to apologize. He needs to show Andrew that he’s okay. That he won’t have to worry again. So he said, “I’m not sick,” even though his head hurt like a _bitch_. _ _ _ _

Andrew sat down next to Neil and looked at him. Searched his face for something. Neil thought he’s going to say something like _stop being stubborn_ or _fuck you for running_ but he ignored Neil’s claim and asked, “yes or no?” 

____Neil struggled for a few minutes to get out of his blanket-cage as Andrew just stared at him. He threw them aside in frustration and then turned to look at Andrew. “Yea.”_ _ _ _

Andrew looked amused for a few seconds and then muttered something like _dumbass_ and then put his head on Neil’s shoulder and sighed. Neil wouldn’t describe it as a not-Andrew gesture, but more like something he’d need to prepare for before he did it. Maybe he did. Maybe during Neil’s sleep, he thought about Neil’s shoulder. It made him feel warm. He smiled. 

____“You,” Andrew said, and then, “You’ll be the death of me. Stop smiling.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m not,” Neil said, and kept smiling. He thought about Andrew thinking about Neil. Thought about how worried he must’ve been, how worried he must’ve been that Neil disappeared again after Baltimore. Then, after a few seconds of silence, he said, “my head hurts.”_ _ _ _

Andrew turned his head, still on Neil’s shoulder, to look at him. Neil felt warmer. He looked at Andrew and Andrew looked at him and all his pain was forgotten in that moment and _here guys I found the cure for sickness._ He laughed. 

____“Sometimes I’d like to know what happens in that head of yours.”_ _ _ _

____Neil quirked his eyebrow. “How long did I sleep?”_ _ _ _

____“About 14 hours.”_ _ _ _

____“Jesus,” And then, “Sorry.”_ _ _ _

____Andrew rolled his eyes and took his head off Neil’s shoulder. Looked him in the eyes, hazel against blue. “You know I don’t want to hear that.”_ _ _ _

____“I know,” Neil said. Then again, “I know. But it’s my fault.”_ _ _ _

____Andrew shook his head. “It’s only been 2 months. Since.”_ _ _ _

____Neil looked at the ceiling. Andrew’s ability to hold eye contact for so long was starting to scare him. He was good at it himself, but something about looking Andrew in the eye for so long made him feel a mix of anxiety and something… warm. It felt like Andrew could read his mind. Like Andrew knows everything about Neil, like he was stripped naked of his flesh and bone and Andrew can read every beat of his heart. It was probably how Andrew felt when Neil stared at him for long._ _ _ _

____“I know.”_ _ _ _

____Andrew took something out of his pocket. “You have a fever. This,” Andrew shook the box and something moved inside, “Is a box with pills.” Then he put it in Neil’s lap. “Bottle of pills, Neil. Neil, bottle of pills.”_ _ _ _

____“I get it, Andrew.”_ _ _ _

____“No, you don’t.” Andrew said. “You take these when you don’t feel good. When something hurts. If something really hurts, they’ll help you. Understood? Don’t tell me shit like I got shot. You aren’t in that life anymore.”_ _ _ _

____Neil remembered that very well. He’s not in the prologue anymore, after all. He’s not._ _ _ _

____Andrew put his palm around Neil’s neck. “And this,” He said, and pointed at Neil’s phone that sat next to his pillow, “is a phone. Call me if it gets really bad.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m not a child.”_ _ _ _

____“There’s food in the fridge.”_ _ _ _

____“Practice?”_ _ _ _

____“Missed it. And don’t even ask me about classes,” Andrew declared and looked at his face, searching for something again. “And. We have a date.”_ _ _ _

____Neil tilted his head._ _ _ _

____“To the therapist's office. Together, in two days. You’ll probably feel better by then.”_ _ _ _

____Neil opened his mouth but Andrew put a finger in front of his face. “Not a word.”_ _ _ _

____Neil smiled. “I just want to ask. Can you kiss me? Since yesterday-”_ _ _ _

____Andrew got up and looked at the watch above the table. “No, you’re sick,” and then, “maybe later.” Neil couldn’t stop his smile, and when Andrew saw it he immediately took his bag from the floor next to the table and turned to leave. Neil waved to him even though Andrew can’t see it, but he knows Andrew knows he waved at him._ _ _ _

____Neil put the box of pills next to his phone and laid back down. He was trapped, and in that moment, he didn’t mind it that much._ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so embarrassed to post this lmao.. I Wanted to make this a series but im not sure yet. Also i wanted to make them really soft in this but I kept having to remind myself that it's only like, 2 weeks after the end of the book.
> 
> TY for reading!!


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